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Hi, I'm Charles. I like coffee, I regularly go through a cycle of getting thoroughly addicted to caffeine, enjoying it so much that I believe that technically its a sin, then saying to myself, Nope, thats it you like it too much, no more. Thats a literal allegory about me strange but true.

I am annoyingly cynical, insomuch as one can be annoyingly cynical while simultaneously being cheerful & upbeat. I blame the caffeine really.

I like to pretend that I like high brow movies & that I get them. I am also one of the rebel scum that doesnt pay for his music, Hence I have more than I will ever listen to. I believe that I have one or two from Brittany Spears albums. Oh the shame!

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to re-model train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Zealand with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams.

I spend my spare time talking to office plants, eating glue from supply cabinet, and attempting to exterminate the weasels who have infested my pencil drawer.

Okay, for real

I have been working with GNU/Linux and other UNIX platforms for more than 13 years. I have a background in security systems and network infrastructure (data and telephony). I've taught courses at local community colleges on Hacking, Computer Security, Computer Forensics, Establishing VPN's, and in combating fraud. I tend to work for School Districts, Hospitals, and for other businesses with a humanitarian focus. I'm currently self-employed, and spend quite of bit of my time consulting; much of it spent working with GNU/Linux systems.

I work with a variety of Linux distributions. Currently, I usually tell people the following:

  • Gentoo or Arch for Development work
  • Ubuntu for Newbies
  • Debian for Servers
  • And never-ever Fedora, SuSE, or Mandriva. I dont have anything against them really, except that they suck.

Oddmuse Hackery


  • World Domination (for GNU/Linux)
  • Make new Friends who want to help in my plan(s) for World Domination
  • Collect Underwear, ??, Profit!

HolyWar Positions

  • GNU/Linux > *OS
  • Bash > zsh > tcsh
  • Vim > Emacs (Nano/Pico is for wussies!)
  • Perl > Python > Ruby > PHP (yuk!)
  • GnuPG > Rot13
  • Reiserfs > Ext3
  • GPL > Evil Corps.
  • Jabber > AOL > ICQ > MSN > Yahoo
  • SIP Products > Skype
  • Wiki > Blog > MySpace (but not by much)

Wishlist for Christmas

  • Books and more Books
  • Underwear
  • World Domination

WebStuff & Contact

SMTP: AIM: cmauch5, ICQ: 1696562, IRC: xterminus